Monday, November 16, 2009

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

Well, it's over for me and Sara. I guess it was more or less inevitable.

There were to many points of division. She settles in and I chafe against routine. She requires lots of time, I require lots of space. She's thinking of the future and I don't want to know what happens tomorrow. She'll be in Oklahoma at least five more years and I'll be out of here in less than half that, at longest. She never said she wanted to get married, but she didn't need to. She's the definition of "uxorial". Sadly, she's the only person who ever treated me the way a person who would love me ought to. Sadly, I couldn't return the favor the way she wanted it.

There are less personality-based factors at work. I'm a scene person and she's a homebody. I try to grow my social network, she hardly ever spends time with her friends. She has lots of musical aptitude and does nothing with it; I have just as much academic aptitude, but do much the same. She fries pork in grease and fries potatoes to go with it and I'm a person who is insecure about gaining weight. Plus she's a 23-year-old homeowner in Midwest City, a place "where dreams go to die". I increasingly became terrified my dreams were going to be among them. I'll not even get into matters of music and movie taste, but that's a rich vein too.

Finally all the darkness in me became too much for her good nature to endure, and my need for privacy and space and a place to decompress got smothered by her. This is all I have to say: it's sad that the timing was so wrong, but it's right to be honest.

"And the human heart is like a clock / And time goes on"

Monday, November 9, 2009

Is this why Elliott Smith did it?

Playing all the instruments on your stuff, pros and cons:

Pro - Absolute unfettered creative control over arrangements.

Con - It's a lot of work.

Pro - Record and rewrite at your leisure.

Con - Wanna play live? Not unless you're a laptop whiz.

Pro - Not having to find a way to express your esoteric ideas in concrete terms with other musicians, which is harder that many people realize.

Con - Denying important other voices in your music. Wynton Marsalis: "Necessarily, at some point, someone is going to play something you would not play." This tension and the ability to let go its anxious qualities is what produces rewarding partnerships in music and some of its best fruits.

Pro - You never have to rely on people whose enthusiasm for music [yours, and in general] is less than your own, and you never have to try to corral new people once those invariably become distracted and leave.

Which puts me at my crossroads: Since fall of last year, I have struggled to keep any semblance of a continuous organization together in music. I have burned through three prospective bassists - currently on the fourth ; two keyboard players- currently looking to recruit a new one ; three drummers- currently on the fourth ; and one lead guitar player not counting Brian Barbee's friend Daniel who played unsuited blues licks over three of my songs at one supposed "rehearsal" last November. Currently on the second.

I realize that no person can ever want to prioritize my music more than I. That is just asking too much of a human being with distinct goals and individuality, and then there's the point where I must openly wonder if I'm even any good. I have had positive feedback from most informed musicians on the topic of my songs, but they might just be being polite. All evidence I has points either to this, or the fact that anyone who has been impressed was simply too busy to spend enough time working with me to improve it. I call this the "John Calvin Corollary to the Norman Musician Problem."

That problem, succinctly, is that in this town - and, increasingly, its surrounding burghs - there are two types of musicians. Type one loves music but is ungodly flaky or otherwise distracted; type two has the ability to play music and the time to do it and does so out of obligated habit, not actual desire. There's either the interested or the available. Not unlike the pursuit of a good partner when one is single.

My current organization SEEMS to be on shaky footing right now as my current drummer (Daniel Deason) works 9-to-5 and I work 10-3 and 6-10 weekdays, so all practices are not on his schedule - to say nothing of his living in South OKC. Grant, who I know and respect, is admittedly in a flighty place right now. Tim is, as always, hard to nail down sometimes. And he too lives in a different town. With my girlfriend living in Midwest City, I too understand that a commute for pleasure is no pleasure at all sometimes. I'm fighting to keep things together, but my efforts have been undermined by unpredictable hours at Coach's and an obligation to keep driving to MWC to spend time with my (also 9-5 working) lady. Not to make my priorities compete, you see...

I just hope that something comes from all of this before the new year.

"If patience started a band, I'd be her biggest fan" -E.S.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Getting back to business

I spent a week from Sunday to Sunday in Durant with Sara. Durant's a nice place, but I'm gonna like it more when she doesn't live down there. I must admit, the relative privacy of having a semi-long distance relationship is nice sometimes. Though I'm certainly always happy to see her and the commute is a real killer. More to the point, it will be nice not to have to totally put everything in the Norman/OKC metro on hiatus just to see my lady. 'Cause it takes a couple days, usually, to settle back into things.

Aaaaaaaaaand on that note... I finally repealed my hiatus from stand-up comedy last night in the interest of making Paul and Jenn laugh. They were down here and thankfully I got to see them for three straight days. My family from a different family is always welcome in my part of the world. We went to karaoke after my set at Othello's and I took a stab at Duran Duran to make Paul smile. The bridge to "Rio" is fun to sing at full volume, but I might've looked like a jackass doing it. Ah well.

Music itself is coming along, by and by. I finished writing a song for Album #2 yesterday afternoon called "Echoes and Reflections", a throwback to my single man days and the fun game of What Did I Say / How Much Do I Regret It? I also have my drums set up in the apartment and I'm getting my feel for the instrument back. I have to be careful not to practice drums more often than I play guitar, though. Drums are tricky because they're so fun to play, yet they basically just make you spin your wheels if you have ambitions beyond being somebody's drummer. Fuck being somebody's drummer, a thousand times.

Tim might want to play bass with me. Caleb McGee wants to do some music. Paul has my old Peavey now and wants to do a long-distance collaboration band. I still can't find a dependable keys man or drummer to save my life, though. My Band [Nights and Weekends? Cameron Ferguson and The Context? Who knows] is still at technically a dead standstill. But that's okay because I just keep writing and getting better at my songs. One of these days.

Oh, and I need to find a day job for May because I just barely scraped by in April and lord knows I could use some just-for-fun money.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Updating spree: complete

Twitter and Facebook were easy, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

+ :
> Apartment move-in ongoing, finally sure I'll have rent by April 1 to keep me in the thing

> Songwriting is really coming naturally to me of late, and I think Nathan is back on board for "the band" after an abortive attempt to build his life around a girl at age 19. Happens to all of us, little buddy. You'll come back strong.

> The band with Jake is fairly active again with show-playing prospects in the near future.

> PAUL AND JENN ARE COMING TO SEE ME IN NORMAN OHHHHHH YESSSSSSSS

> The Sara thing is coming up roses all the time.

- :
> Still need to get my utilities turned on / a day job / a rhythm section.

Aaaaaand other than that, why would I complain?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Does it feel like you're in neutral and the world is your garage?

I don't know if that post-title is a lyric idea, but it might be later. Had that thought twice today and I got real bummed.

So anyway, I've had to seriously cut back my activities from being a combination stand-up comic/drummer for Jake's band/attempted bandleader in my own right/screenwriter/boyfriend/songwriter of questionable merit/employee of FedEx to basically the latter three. Suddenly money has me by the throat and won't let go. It's a motherfucker to be broke and all of the money you DO make is spoken for. I knew how that felt once, living with Katie, but thought that maybe not having more budgetary control and basically doubling fixed expenses was contributing to that. Hm, nope. You can't not live at your mom's house and have any money at the same time, I guess. My landlord is getting kind of pissed, presumably, that I haven't paid deposit or moved in yet. I'm getting kind of pissed myself.

After a fitful Mod-only songwriting jag where I turned out three whole songs in three days and planned to record an EP of me on all instruments as "Beat Faction," I'm back to my usual writing style of angular, cynical, wordy New Wave meets Pop melody with just a little Mod jitter thrown in. I guess that's my "voice" - or at least the half of it that's not country and folksy and sad all the time. Three days ago I remembered a guitar melody I'd written in 11th grade and re-wrote the song it was a part of. Only title and lead melody remain the same; I decided to really screw up the tonality and write it all in 7-chords and chop up the rhythm a bit. It's less Screaming Trees and more Superchunk now. That's what five years of broadening your horizons gets you, Screaming Trees ==> Superchunk. Oy vey, the 1990's.

I also finished (then forgot) the chords to accompany the "Service Sector" lead line I wrote ages ago [like late summer '08], so after this I'm going to go try and remember it. Here's the lyrics to "Call Off Your Spectre," the 11th-grade savant moment-turned-23yr. old remix. If you follow the blog you'll probably figure the suspect.

Call Off Your Spectre (words, music C. Ferguson)

You're only beautiful for what's wrong with you
But there's so much wrong with you
I won't play along
Unless you want me to
(I guess you want me to?)

It's so hard to know who was using who
And so much to get used to
It's no use --
I got used, too
(Everyone gets used to you)

Now call off your spectre,
It's just another false alarm
Call off your spectre -
Dead things shouldn't feel so warm

You're irrational, but I'm hopeful
I only let you hang me with enough rope
Half-lived a lie
Like an isotope
(Under your microscope)

[ref.]

{bridge}
It's always fun 'til someone loses an eye
On the door
So lost and blindfolded, so hot, so cold --
Who could ask for any more?
(But I guess I wanted more?)

You're only beautiful for what's wrong with you
But there's so much wrong with you
I won't play along...

[ref.]

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

There's a coldest day in every year

Holy shit, ice is killin' me.

Money is, too, so I'm working the overnight shift at FedEx as often as possible in anticipation of my big move in early February, but that's not a big deal. I figure I'd be awake anyway so making money at it only makes sense. Or maybe cents? Oh, THE FUNNIEST!

But back to the ice, I guess. It was freezing rain in Norman in the AM today and my car was nice and frosted shut before I went to work. The roads were a little scary on the way up there, but nothing like they were just now on the way back. It was combination snowing/sleeting when I got off the dock at roughly 3:15 am, and I had barely combination gotten on the highway/apologized to Sara in a purposeful phone call for multiple pocket-dials while working when a semi flew past me at about 60mph and sprayed my car with slush so bad I had to put on my hazards and pull to the shoulder until my windshield re-defrosted. All told it took about three minutes with the defroster and wipers on full.

Then, as I got into Norman, the freezing rain got REALLY heavy and I had to put on some music to take my mind off the nervous wreck I was becoming in a car with two bald tires and virtually no gas in the tank. Thankfully, I caught The Who's "Love, Rain O'er Me" from the beginning, cranked it, and screamed my way through the rest of the drive. Roger Daltrey, at full volume, in full rock star wail: CATHARTIC. Always.

In two days' time, I will fly south to warmer(ish) climes and visit Sara in Dooooooooorant. Which is a good idea, with the weather up here being crapgasmic and my snuggle reserves feeling suspiciously like my gas tank. Re-read that sentence; tell me I didn't cash in my Man Card. You can't, can you? Feccccccccck awph wif'yas 'en!


Music is slow-going with me anymore. Brian S. didn't get back ahold of me this week about practice and Eric and I got so very little done in the way of working with the material Sunday. Isaiah and I are supposed to get together to pull a quick show-n'-play this week but who knows if he'll get ahold of me before I leave for Durant Wednesday evening. Who further knows whether Eric and Brian avail themselves at all. I am really starting to think I need to bail on Oklahoma -- there are far too few musicians who both know what they're doing and WANT to do it. Ah well. I'm probably not one of the former so maybe I shouldn't talk.

Or maybe I SHOULD.




Ice, go burn in hell. I don't wanna die before I get my songs on wax.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Well, durn

Not 24 hours after that last one... Nate quit. D'oh.

May have found his replacement on the drive home from band practice, providing Eric isn't
a) too busy to contribute;
b) unwilling to maintain a practice schedule due to lacking interest;
c) dissatisfied with the music I have written;
d) moving to Austin with little apparent warning.

I guess Flux Capacitor is back in business.

Also, I. McC. (the first Punching Spree bassist) expressed interest in playing as well. Moreso when I mentioned my influences as "New Pornos, The Attractions, Long Winters, and classic pop forms". He and I share enough musical taste that if nothing else it will not be boring.


Sara's back in Durant, and if she don't swing through town around the 30th (jury's out), I will be swinging through her part of the world at around that time.

And I sign the papers on the apartment tomorrow. Neat.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

"We really should've been in on the fingerprints" => "Sorry, things are moving real fast over here"

Ahh. God. So much blowing up it's ridiculous.

1) Music n' Me

> Turned over 1/2 my remaining lineup [post-Scott backout] two nights ago to the tune of Aaron quitting and Brian B. getting cut loose for basically disappearing; Brian Stansberry (ex-Special Disaster Team) is gonna have a spin on the skins and I'm thinking for now about not even replacing Aaron and just going with the classic Talking Heads / Attractions / Small Faces quartet format of guitar, bass, keys, drums. If I prove an insufficient player in that respect, compromises can be made. Practice at 3pm today.

I have 12 songs laid out with at least completed lyric sheets for album #2, plus JUST rescued "Need to Need You Baby" with a much-improved chorus in order to get it on album #1. It's very much an R&B-feeling 4x4-beat track and should help pace out the midtempo material that may yet clog the meat of the running order.

Still hoping to find a bass player.

> Playing drums for Jake is starting to bear out fruit; we are The High Points and he just keeps turning out understated and awesome singles. Mod is so back that we're in NorMOD, Oklahoma from now on. Come on, children!

2) Sara n' Me

> The girl is Sara Moore, the feeling is mutual, the salad days are on. That's just about fantastic.

3) Comedy n' Me

> I've completed a pilot script for what I hope to be a web series titled Maneater about a guy who comes to the tardy realization that he's a cannibal and has to cope with both learning how to catch and eat people and the awkwardness his discovery causes with his friends and loved ones. I'm also writing the score, and it's all variations on Hall & Oates songs*. I've already re-arranged the title track into something sounding halfway between Weezer 1996 and The National for the opening credit sequence. It's something to do in my spare time at least.

*I'm not even TOUCHING "Sara Smile," just 'cause... Jesus, how on-the-nose can you get?

4) Moving n' Me

> Found a SWEET duplex-apartment in the South Campus area of town (College and Lindsey) that I'll be subletting from an old chum as he moves to Virginia to take a job. The first month's rent will be paid by his folks as a courtesy, plus if I extend the lease through fall he claims one can make $200 a gameday parking cars there. Shit, sounds like it pays for itself half the year. I'll be into there by Valentine's Day for sure.

Okay, that's the short of it. The long of it is like 12 months long, because goddammit, it is 2009. A very good year thus far.